Nothing encapsulates both the freedom and horror of being single quite like a one-night stand. When you don’t know where the night will take you, sometimes the answer is a studio apartment with a futon owned by that one hottie with a beard who happened to be in line behind you at the bar. As you get your thang on with a random person, your brain is along for the ride, providing valid (but often ignored) commentary.
1. Is his name Darren or Derek? Or David? Sh*t.
2. I wonder if he’ll notice if I sneak off to the bathroom to trim my bikini line real quick.
3. I am. So glad. I’m not showering here.
4. I really hope I have a condom at the bottom of this giant purse...okay, phew.
5. I gotta start meeting guys at book clubs or something.
6. Whoa. Those are some bucket list abs.
7. Can we just have sex before I have to ask about that action figure collection? Thanks.
8. Please tell me he doesn’t sleep on that pile of laundry.
9. I cannot wait to tell my friends about this.
10. Really, dude? Five cats?
11. Somehow, cosmically, my ex-boyfriend is going to find out about this and be jealous.
12. Please let his penis be normal. Please let his penis be normal.
13. YAS! SEX!
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