8 Signs You Need Hanger Management

August 27, 2015
#2: Food-related billboards are legitimate driving hazards.

A recent study proves what anyone who's ever struggled with hunger-induced anger already knows: Women are much less interested in getting it on when they're craving a sandwich than after they've eaten. But when does your garden-variety hanger cross into the avoid-all-human-contact-and-find-food danger zone? Here are eight signs you might need to rein in your appetite-related issues:

1. Your Dining Companions Are Actually Scared of You
We’ve all got that token friend who takes a lifetime to decide between a chicken wrap and a Caesar salad. But when you’re in a state of extreme hanger and ready to order before you even sit down (BLT, no mayo), your tolerance for her inquisition of the poor server reaches an all-time low. Just when she’s asking whether the chicken is hormone-free and locally sourced, she sees you in full-blown death-stare mode. You’ve lost your patience, and she’s lost her courage to be in your presence. If you want to save the friendship, best to order a bread basket the next time you’re starving at a restaurant with this gal pal.

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2. You Almost Get Into an Accident While Staring at Food Billboards
Forget texting while driving—how about ogling the Applebee’s sampler platter while driving? That should be just as illegal. When you’re so hungry it feels like your stomach is eating itself and there is a vat of jumbo-sized fried food staring down at you, you lose all sense of rationality. You may have both hands on the steering wheel, but chances are they’re veering you toward Exit 43 for some Chili’s mozzarella sticks—if you don’t rear end the vehicle in front of you first.

3. Business Meetings Feel Like Torture Chambers
It’s almost 1 p.m., and you’ve been trapped in this conference room listening to a man in a bad suit drone on since 8:30. The box of donuts has long since been reduced to a pile of crumbs, and coffee ain’t cutting it at this point. You no longer hear what your manager is saying about team work and client satisfaction and instead imagine flipping the table Teresa Guidice-style and telling him you’re not gonna take it any longer. People can’t live like this!

4. You Can't Stop Watching Food Tutorials Online
Forget funny YouTube videos of cats playing the trumpet. You want instructional play-by-plays on short rib sandwiches, secret tips for building a gourmet cheese platter, the best cookie dough ever…and the list goes on. Don’t even get us started on making gourmet ice cream in your home sans an actual ice cream maker. Yes, that’s a thing and you can watch it happen:

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Please, eat something before it’s too late and you’ve ordered a bread maker on Amazon.

5. You Start Imagining Your Friends as Food
Your girlfriend is really embracing color blocking these days with some bright pairings like magenta and emerald green. But damn if she doesn’t remind you of a fresh slice of watermelon—or better yet, a gourmet bakery cupcake. What about watermelon Sour Patch Kids? You snap out of a hanger dream (fantasy?) state just before you try to lick her sleeve and sh*t gets really weird.

RELATED: 12 Foods You Used to Think Were Healthy

6. Innocent Bystanders Become the Enemy
The valet parking attendant took just a smidge too long to get your car, and you stiffed him on the tip before slamming the door. The nail salon technician can’t seem to quit gabbing to her coworkers long enough to apply your topcoat, so you forgo it and march out of the salon in a huff, chipped polish be damned. Then, the teenager at the deli counter is taking his sweet time applying those tomato slices to the sandwich you’ve been thinking about for hours. Suddenly, you realize the “Hurry the hell up!” you’ve only been screaming in your brain up until this point actually comes out of your mouth—and everyone in line looks at your like you’re a monster. These harmless citizens were just unlucky victims of your hanger-fueled warpath.

7. You Start Having Violent Dreams About Tacos
Sure, the occasional daydream about munching on some carne asada tacos between sips of margarita whilst on a beach in Mexico is normal. And so what if you track the mile-by-mile status of your favorite taco truck and set an alarm on your phone to remind you of the days it’s within walking vicinity to your office? You’re only human. However, when the dreams shift to REM-sleep-level escapades about raiding Chipotle, diving into vats of guacamole, and hoarding barrels of pico de gallo in your garage, it’s time to get help (or at least buy a stockpile of tacos and freeze those babies for a hangry day).

8. You Skip Your Favorite Exercise Class
Trainer Johnny’s Wednesday night indoor-cycling group is what you live for—but you’re afraid if you try to do it on a hopelessly empty stomach, you’ll pass out or knock someone out. Being too hungry to work out happens, but when you’re hangry, a protein bar just isn’t going to cut it. Instead, you just go straight to the grocery store next to the gym. Maybe still wear your workout clothes and try to buy something healthy for good measure? Sure, frozen pizza and three pints of ice cream can be healthy—calcium, right?

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