Absurd-Absorbency 'Trumpons' Are the Solution for Bleeding Out of 'Wherever'!

August 11, 2015
Just like a Trump Tower, you can stick one of these anywhere.

Last week, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump reminded the American people of a costly, unpredictable scourge that affects roughly half of voters—bleeding out of "wherever."

Bleeding out of "wherever" is no joke, as Trump explained to CNN correspondent Don Lemon, noting that Fox News correspondent Megyn Kelly was so impacted by the ailment during the August 6 Republican debate that she began to ask tough questions. Trump contends Kelly was "off-base" and a "lightweight" that he couldn't care less about. "I don't respect her as a journalist," Trump told Lemon (right before they high-fived, adjusted their balls, and jumped into a swimming pool full of money, Scrooge McDuck-style).

Women's Health

RELATED: The 12 Funniest Donald Trump Memes on the Internet Right Now

The women of America have heard Donald Trump loud and clear and understand that in order to gain his highly coveted respect, we must stop looking like "fat pigs" and bleeding out of our "wherevers" as soon as possible. That's why we took a page from Trump's entrepreneurial playbook, Think Like A Champion, and invented a solution of our own—Trumpons.

Trumpons are made of absurdly absorbent, fibrous hair that's fashioned to look like a comb over. They're totally biodegradable, and an entire box only costs 76 cents—because we're worth it! (And also wage inequality.) Feel free to stick these suckers wherever blood comes out of—including your ears next time you have to listen to Donald Trump speak.

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Caitlin Abber is the Senior Editor of Women's Health. Follow her on Twitter.

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