Stop Trying to Convince Us That Semen Tastes Delicious

August 6, 2015
We’ll stick to smoothies, thank you very much.

“I wish my food tasted more like semen!” said no one, anywhere…or so you’d think.

Several people are out to prove we should develop a taste for spunk, though. The latest: A New Zealand beer that features…deer semen.

The Green Man pub in Wellington, New Zealand, will soon serve a “milked” stout that features “export quality” deer semen. But this isn’t your typical back-alley deer semen. “We only deal with the best,” pub co-owner Steve Drummond told Stuff.co.nz.

The beer will be served via hand-pump rather than force-carbonated like most beers, to give it a creamy and smooth texture. “There’s only one way to serve semen stout, and that’s hand-pulling it,” says Drummond, an apparent expert in the field.

This isn’t the first time the pub has served semen alcohol: In 2011, it offered apple-infused horse semen shots and sold syringes of deer semen in 2013.

RELATED: Meet the Woman Who Makes Art Out of Semen

But they’re not the only ones hawking semen cuisine.

For a mere $22.46, you can learn to cook with semen thanks to Natural Harvest, a cookbook filled with “semen-based recipes."

“Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a palatable texture and wonderful cooking properties,” author Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer writes in the book’s introduction. “Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic.”

The book also includes the following notice: “This cookbook is written for consenting diners of semen. Please do not add semen to your guests’ food without informing them beforehand.” Amen to that!

RELATED: What to Do If You Hate the Way His Semen Tastes

But really: Semen is all about drinking—or so Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook says.

Semenology is the “ultimate handbook for mixologists looking for ingredients that go beyond exotic fruit juices and rare spirits,” the book’s jacket says. “Driven by a commitment and passion for the freshly harvested ingredient, Semenology pushes the limits of classic bartending.”

RELATED: 9 Things You Didn't Know About Sperm

We have so many questions: Who comes up with this stuff? Why would anyone in their right mind buy any of these products, let alone consume them? And finally (and perhaps most importantly): How long will it take us to get to the nearest shower?

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