7 Men Share Exercising Horror Stories That'll Make You So Glad You Don't Have Balls

August 4, 2015
One word: ouch

I think we can all agree that testicles are weird. They just hang down between men's legs in a strange-looking skin pouch. But that’s not the only negative of having a set of balls (and to be clear: I certainly acknowledge that vaginas have their negatives, as well).

Dudes' genitals are extremely sensitive, and due to the fact that they’re located outside of the body, they’re almost constantly vulnerable to injury—especially when we’re exercising. By doing what we can to avoid developing dad bods (not every guy out there is pulling a Leo and letting himself get mushy), we’re putting the very pieces of our anatomy that give us the ability to be dads in jeopardy. And sometimes—like these seven men have found out the hard way—it doesn't always work out for the best.

“When I was working out with my friend, we were doing medicine-ball tosses, where I would toss him the ball when I was coming out of a situp and he would toss it back to me when I was going back toward the ground for my next one. I’m not sure what exactly happened—I think it must have been exhaustion or something—but when I came up again, I just completely forgot to release the ball. It zoomed forward in my hands, and I hit myself in my own d*ck.” —Eric S.

“I was very new to indoor-cycling classes, and was wearing just a pair of basketball shorts and regular boxers. I quickly found out that you should wear at least some Spandex, if not the bicycle shorts with padding in the groin area. At one point, I went to sit down on my seat—and I sat right on one of my testicles. I’m not a light man, either. I jumped off the bike and fell into a fetal position. As soon as I could move, I went into the locker room to examine my goods. Then I called my doctor, who said there was no need to come in and see him unless it started to swell. Thank goodness it didn’t.” —Eric R.

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“I was on vacation with my girlfriend and her family, and her dad asked if I wanted to go on a run with him one morning. I said sure because I didn’t want to seem like an a--hole even though I hardly ever run. We ended up going like seven miles, which was the furthest I’d ever gone in my entire life. This led to some serious chafing of my sack and thighs. It wasn’t that bad at first, but when I got into the salt water later that day, I almost wept.” —Brad P.

“During a set of reverse dumbbell flys, I pinched the tip of my penis between the two dumbbells. I think it was the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. There was actually a bruise on my penis, and I went to the emergency room because I was so scared it was going to be damaged beyond repair. Luckily, it wasn't.” —Billy E.

“I was at an indoor-cycling class with my girlfriend early one morning before work, and I guess I didn’t have my seat positioned correctly. When we finished, I noticed that I had no feeling whatsoever in my taint or balls. It was like they were asleep. I showered and went to work and was unable to be productive at all because I was so scared that I had hurt one of the most important areas of my body—and of all the implications that can come with having done that. Eventually, I Googled it and found that this isn’t really uncommon and that I was probably going to be fine. Since then, I’ve stayed away from cycling, though, for the most part. I prefer running.” —Sam F.

“I was doing squats, and I ‘dropped a nut.’ That’s the slang term for a scrotal hernia, which means some of your intestines are pushing through, usually in your groin area. To check for scrotal hernias is the reason that doctors grab your balls and tell you to cough when you get a physical. I had surgery and am fine now, but it was definitely the worst pain I have ever felt.” —Mark G.

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“I was on a run on the boardwalk in a coastal town where I used to live. I got momentarily distracted while I was passing a few absolutely beautiful women in bikinis, and I ran straight into a mile marker sign/pole. I came out of the incident with a testicular contusion—basically a bruised nut—and a huge goose egg on my forehead. Oh, and a crippling amount of embarrassment.” —Scott M.

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